One Year ... and Counting

I was listening to Pandora this morning while I was getting ready for work and Memories (Maroon 5) started playing.  I really love these lyrics and the melodies of this tune.  I've got to give a shout out to Adam Levine and the others involved for writing and producing a song that nearly perfectly captures what so many of us feel after losing someone important in their lives.  Whether it be a a parent, sibling, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a cousin, a best friend, or a mentor.  As I reflect on my first year without my mom, I can easily incorporate so much of this song into my experiences.  The release of this tune has been timed, quite therapeutically, at a perfect point in my life; and allows me moments to process every time I listen. 

There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same

I've lost all of my grandparents, several aunts and uncles, a couple of cousins, and even a sibling.  I come from a very close, tight-knit family.  All of those deaths were very hard for me, especially losing my brother 10 years ago. But nothing rocked my world quite like losing my mom last year, on January 26th.  With all I know about life and death, I somehow felt unprepared for that moment -

 in which everything changed for me.  And despite my deep faith in God, Jesus Christ and the afterlife that awaits all who believe, I struggle daily with the absence of my mother here on earth. 

I want to call her to tell her about the silly things Lil C or Owen said yesterday.

I want to stop by and see her smiling and sitting in her seat on the sofa at her house as I walk in.

I want to hear her say, "How is my favorite girl today?" or "I love you to the moon and back."

I want to feel her soft hand in mine again. 

I want to hear her laugh.

Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day

I am reminded, sometimes by my own children, that she's all around me.  I can talk to her any time I want and she will hear me.  I am reminded that I will see my mom again one day.  I am reminded that all of our memories are still there and that I can call on those memories at any time to smile and to laugh. Man, do those feel SO good.  Sometimes the memories bring tears.  So many tears.  I try really hard not to apologize for the tears.  Although, I find myself hiding in those moments, those tears, more often than I probably should.  The crazy part for me is that I am usually the last person to hide what I'm thinking or feeling, but for some reason, my mom dying changed this for me.  It feels as if some of my strength died with my mom.  Some of my fearlessness died with my mom.  Is that something that comes back or can be recovered? These changes are ones that I have been analyzing over and over for the past 365 days. 

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday

Grief is a process.  Death brings on some really real things.  It changes us.  There is no road map.  There are no instructions.  There is no manual on how to weather the changes you'll experience.  Doesn't that seem unfair?  Because it seems unfair to me.  Because you get to live this life with people - sometimes, the amount of life you get to live with them is more brief than what you are given with others.  And maybe that impacts the level and degree of grief we feel - or maybe it doesn't.  There definitely isn't a guide to the degrees of grief based upon how long or how well we knew someone.  It just doesn't exist.  So all we can do is buckle up, hold on, and weather the crazy ride.  And it sucks.  And it's exhausting.  I'm exhausted - and it's only been one year ... and counting. 

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”     –  Helen Keller

Everyone reminds me that while the pain of the loss will never actually go away - rather, it will change and evolve with time.  I have made peace with this reality and I can be okay with this, I think.  I know that I have this enormous support system all around me that I can lean upon any time, day or night.  I know that I can sit in silence and be with my thoughts, and that is also okay.  I know that I can write, or read in order to process the really hard days.  Everything is going to be okay.

Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

But everything gon' be alright

**Memories by Maroon 5. Released by 222 Records and Interscope Records on September 20, 2019