It Wouldn't Be Worth It If It Were Easy

There are a lot of things people say ... so many of those sayings feel cliché:

“That which does kill you, makes you stronger”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“It wouldn’t be worth it if it were easy”

 

I’m here to tell you,  being a single mother of 3 - trying to create and live a life of my own when I have 3 lives that depend upon my strength, guidance, and unwavering love – is certainly no perfect science.  And so every time I consider throwing my hat in the dating pool again, I ponder…. 

How do I know when it’s okay to trust in someone? How do I know I can trust their actions or words or intentions?  How do I know when it is safe to believe?  How do I balance what I know I need to cultivate a healthy relationship - without painful and significant risk to my own heart and mind, let alone to my children? There are a hundred critics out there, trying to tell single parents the "right" and "wrong" ways to date.  These critics all seemingly weigh-in about when the right time is to introduce your children to the one you are seeing, or when to immerse that person into your life and  into the lives of your children.  But what those critics don’t realize or don’t care to understand, is that every parent is different.  Every HUMAN is different.  We process differently.  We love differently.  We relate differently.  For most of us, these relationship and family blending puzzles aren’t easy puzzles to solve.  We think about these things.  We weigh our options, doing our best to predict the probability of it all ending painfully.  And we take a chance.

So when it all blows up in our face, and everything we thought we knew isn’t what we really know  – we can’t help but become our own worst critic.  I can assure you, that we criticize ourselves much harsher than any outsider could ever do.  We wonder how we could have planned better.  We worry about how our children will cope.  We wonder if it is even worth every trying again. We wonder if our lives are better spent without companionship, for the sake of our children.  We wonder how our hearts will ever heal and how we will ever come back from this moment:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep - Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face.
'Cause you lose something you can't replace .
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
What could it be worse?

               (Coldplay - Fix You)

But what I’ve learned in those moments (much like moments I’m experiencing presently), is that all we can do is manage our grief.  We have to figure out how to cope with our feelings and to manage our response to the pain.  We have to learn to let go of what we cannot change or control.  For me, I let my faith guide me. I believe there is a plan – one which I don’t have a say in helping to predict or design.  I take the moments to cry when I need to, and I hold on to the promise that whatever I’m feeling right now will eventually grow weaker. 

I know that for some people, the serenity prayer is often associated with Alcoholics Anonymous. But I have found that it helps calm the anxiety I feel from trying to be a “fixer” in situations I do not have the power to “fix.”  And so as I navigate yet another heartache, I gently remind myself….

               God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,              

               Courage to change the things I can,

               And wisdom to know the difference.  

At the end of the day, I have come to believe that if I'm meant to find my forever and he will really be worth the rest of my life, the road getting there isn't going to be easy.  I just have to stay the course and trust that it will all work out in the end. 

Being An Anomaly

Anomaly – “Something that deviates from what is standard, normal or expected”

People have often half-jokingly referred to me as an anomaly.  I’m not like most people, they say.  And I guess I agree that I view the world and the relationships in my life differently than most people.

I believe that the world is made up of all kinds of people, each on their own journey.  That is what makes this world amazing and intriguing.  I have never thought that for two people to be successful together, that they must believe in the same things.  I have thought quite the opposite, actually.  Because for me – life is always about learning and growing as a person.  I have long since felt that a partner who challenges you to grow and rethink (or reframe) your perspective over time is a better partner.  Our differences should not divide us – they should bring us together.

Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much from people.  I had a long conversation with my dad the other evening.  Both he and my moms have echoed one another throughout my life.  My dad has often said “you’re not easy to live with”, but quickly follows that with “but that’s not a bad thing.”  He says I’m different from most people, and that those differences are hard for most people to process and accept.  He says he didn’t raise me to be like everyone else.  He raised me to be passionate about life, about love, about faith, and about who I am.  Both he and my moms have encouraged me to remain true to who I am and to not give up hope. 

From my perspective, the worst part about being me is that I believe in people.  I believe in what they say.  I take their words and actions to heart, and then I expect them to deliver.  And when they don’t, I am crushed and often gobsmacked.  And I feel like a fool for ever believing.  Deception and foolery is a terrible plague.  Saying to others what you think they want to hear because that is “easier,” is straight up wrong.  And becoming swayed by public input or expectations, rather than standing firm in what you know to be true about someone else or your relationships is equally as terrible.  No one wins when these things happen.

All of that said, I’m just doing my best to raise my little humans to be good adult humans.  And so I have taken these lessons learned, and started teaching them to my children at a young age, in the hopes they, too, will grow up to be “anomalies” just like me:

• Say what you mean, and mean what you say -  don’t dance around the content of your message
• Have the hard conversations, because they typically don’t get easier with time
• Extend compassion and be kind
• Give grace and forgive often
• Know your worth and find strength in both your successes and failings
• Listen with the intent to understand – this a fundamental core component of strong communication skills
• Be accountable and be able to admit when you are wrong
• Never stop growing and learning
• Have faith and believe in something good