It Wouldn't Be Worth It If It Were Easy

There are a lot of things people say ... so many of those sayings feel cliché:

“That which does kill you, makes you stronger”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“It wouldn’t be worth it if it were easy”

 

I’m here to tell you,  being a single mother of 3 - trying to create and live a life of my own when I have 3 lives that depend upon my strength, guidance, and unwavering love – is certainly no perfect science.  And so every time I consider throwing my hat in the dating pool again, I ponder…. 

How do I know when it’s okay to trust in someone? How do I know I can trust their actions or words or intentions?  How do I know when it is safe to believe?  How do I balance what I know I need to cultivate a healthy relationship - without painful and significant risk to my own heart and mind, let alone to my children? There are a hundred critics out there, trying to tell single parents the "right" and "wrong" ways to date.  These critics all seemingly weigh-in about when the right time is to introduce your children to the one you are seeing, or when to immerse that person into your life and  into the lives of your children.  But what those critics don’t realize or don’t care to understand, is that every parent is different.  Every HUMAN is different.  We process differently.  We love differently.  We relate differently.  For most of us, these relationship and family blending puzzles aren’t easy puzzles to solve.  We think about these things.  We weigh our options, doing our best to predict the probability of it all ending painfully.  And we take a chance.

So when it all blows up in our face, and everything we thought we knew isn’t what we really know  – we can’t help but become our own worst critic.  I can assure you, that we criticize ourselves much harsher than any outsider could ever do.  We wonder how we could have planned better.  We worry about how our children will cope.  We wonder if it is even worth every trying again. We wonder if our lives are better spent without companionship, for the sake of our children.  We wonder how our hearts will ever heal and how we will ever come back from this moment:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep - Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face.
'Cause you lose something you can't replace .
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
What could it be worse?

               (Coldplay - Fix You)

But what I’ve learned in those moments (much like moments I’m experiencing presently), is that all we can do is manage our grief.  We have to figure out how to cope with our feelings and to manage our response to the pain.  We have to learn to let go of what we cannot change or control.  For me, I let my faith guide me. I believe there is a plan – one which I don’t have a say in helping to predict or design.  I take the moments to cry when I need to, and I hold on to the promise that whatever I’m feeling right now will eventually grow weaker. 

I know that for some people, the serenity prayer is often associated with Alcoholics Anonymous. But I have found that it helps calm the anxiety I feel from trying to be a “fixer” in situations I do not have the power to “fix.”  And so as I navigate yet another heartache, I gently remind myself….

               God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,              

               Courage to change the things I can,

               And wisdom to know the difference.  

At the end of the day, I have come to believe that if I'm meant to find my forever and he will really be worth the rest of my life, the road getting there isn't going to be easy.  I just have to stay the course and trust that it will all work out in the end.