The Power Behind the Word?

How do words impact your life? Specifically, how do the words you use impact your life and the lives around you? 

What about profanity?  Have you chosen to omit profanity from your life?  Is the use of profanity around you offensive?  Or does it not phase you?  Do you use profanity?  And if so, are you able to filter your use dependent upon your situation/location/audience? 

For me, profanity has not really been a huge deal for me.  My parents weren't adamantly against swearing, but I know it wasn't their first choice of sentence enhancers.  I don't have any recollection of profanity being a regular part of conversation in our household as a child.  They certainly didn't approve of my brother and I from swearing freely when we were growing up.  They would often tell us that the use of "those words" simply weren't necessary.  But I'm sure they were aware we said things out of their earshot.


As a young adult, I learned that while rarely used in conversation publicly, my mom's favorite swear word was "FUCK."  She told me once that she found a great deal of power in that word.  She didn't care for the use of it in every day life - as she certainly felt there was a "time and a place" for the use and inclusion of it in conversation.  But she described it as if it were the physical action of planting your feet and standing strong in the face of a battle. 


It's safe to say that my brother and I have both adopted an affection for the mom's favorite word, ourselves.  And we can both say we use it far more regularly than she ever did.  I have been known to use it as a noun, a verb, an adverb, and an adjective!  I've found quite a bit of versatility in the word depending upon the situation. I am, however, most definitely able to substitute and filter myself based upon my audience and/or location - often with the most unique phrases I can come up with. 


For instance, when I can't proclaim, "What the fuck?" I ask, "What the farfignutten?"  And when I am stunned and want to say, "Well Fuuuuuck!" I instead say, "Well Fiddlesticks!"  Oh!!  A crowd favorite replacement to, "Shut the fuck up!" is, "Shut the front door!!"  That one usually grabs everyone's attention with a double-take. 


I could go on, but you get the picture.  Honestly, I substitute words for all varieties of profanity - because I, too, believe there is a time and a place for everything.  The ability to recognize that requires a degree of maturity and responsibility.  I do swear in the presence of my children.  And I have used varieties of non-sensical word replacements as well. I have tried to raise my children in the same ways my parents raised me.  They see me as I am: real and raw, faults and all.  I ask them to avoid the use of profanity.  I ask their friends who come over to avoid the use of profanity.  And in return, I try to limit my use of profanity as well. 

Here's some unpopular opinion: I fully believe there are situations in which a distinct type of word power is deserving - and therefore profanity is 100% justified.  I'd like to provide an example of what I mean.

But first let me ask you - have you ever wanted to give up?  Really and truly give up and throw in the towel? Have you ever been so exhausted and so overwhelmed with the weight you carried that you wondered how you could continue to fight?  Have you ever wondered how it is possible to take one more breath?  Or wake up one more day in your life?  Have you ever asked yourself and God, "What's the point? Why must I bother??" Well, if you have, then you might understand the gravity and the power behind the message in the photo below.


That's where I was a little more than 15 months ago.  Many people recognized that in me and worked hard to hold me up in all the ways I needed in order to keep me going.  One of my best friends gifted me a simple, but beautiful bracelet with a message inscribed on the inside that said: "keep fucking going..."  I have worn that bracelet every single day since I received it as a constant reminder and as a source of strength. 


Around the same time I received that gift, my brother's health was rapidly failing and he was heading into the most challenging battle of his entire life.  I decided to share this message with him because I knew that the weight I felt as a healthy person must have only be a fraction of what he was feeling every day in the face of an impending heart transplant.  I couldn't bear the thought of him giving up the fight.  I needed him to keep fucking going.  And so birthed the hashtag that accompanied every social media update I posted, and every personal message sent from me to him.  I found it fitting that in honor of his journey and unbelievable strength, I wanted to forever have "our" mantra tattooed on my right arm, including the date he received the gift of life... his new heart.


Will people be shocked? Probably.  Will people disagree with my decision? Maybe.  Do I care? Nope.  Do I regret my decision to have this reminder permanently added to my body? FUCK no.  I look at my right arm countless times, every single day, and am reminded that giving up is not an option for me.  Not today, not ever.  There is power in this word for us - and it deserves a place where it can be seen and honored.


Artist: Teague Mullen
Studio: Dark Horse Tattoo Parlor - Fort Wayne, IN

Going Back in Time

While driving home from work recently, I heard the following question posed:

     "If you had the opportunity to sit down and talk with the younger version of you - maybe 18 years old, or 24 years old - what would you say?  Would that younger version of you even listen to what you have to say?" 

My mind began reeling with the possibility of hundreds (or more) of conversations I could have with younger versions of myself....  

• What would I do differently?
• Would I want to change the course of my life in any way?
• What did I do well?
• What words of encouragement do I have for myself?
• How can I prepare myself for what's to come?

This kind of exercise requires a kind of deep, uncensored, real, and highly self-aware state of mind.  In my opinion, the exercise would have less of an impact without those qualifications.  Realistically, we don't have time machines to take us back in time.  And honestly, I don't believe it is about "going back in time" with the intent to change the trajectory of our lives.  I believe it's an exercise in being able to identify our "wins" and recognizing any missteps we may have had along the way.  I think it is about being aware of how far you've come and how you can continue to grow as a person going forward. 

And so I began with 19 year old Claire... the college gal on a mission to change the world.  I decided I needed to start by cheering her on for following her heart and the call to study social work.  I would encourage her to slow down at school, though, because it is all going to fly by so quickly and she is going to want to soak up those experiences before they have passed her by - both in and out of the classroom.  The professors and mentors she meets will become lifelong friends and confidants.  The friendships and bonds she creates on and off campus will help build the village she learns to depend upon for decades to come. I might also mention to her that those 29% credit cards are going to cause her mountains of problems in 10 years - so she needs to JUST SAY NO to the people by the Scramble Light!! 

I would also need to tell her about the dark times just ahead of her.  I would look her in her eyes and tell her that she will get through them, that she is stronger than she thinks, and that she will not be broken by someone else's actions.  What would happen if I could rewrite history?  What would happen if I could make it so 19 year old Claire were never in that fraternity house that night and were never a victim of sexual assault?  Would that have changed the course of her life and the people she met over time?  Would it have meant that she never ultimately met the father of her oldest son?  Would that have ultimately changed everything?  I do not know.  I can never know that.  I certainly do not ever wish such an awful experience on any person, nor do I enjoy closing my eyes and reliving that night.  But it is an important part of my history...my story.  And for that reason, I have to believe that in some sort of twisted way, it has to remain a part of my story. A chapter that few knew existed before now, perhaps, because I chose to hide it in favor of moving forward.  Maybe from embarrassment or shame?  Maybe I blamed myself and felt no one would believe me.  I do know that if I could go back in time, I would absolutely take the time to thank the one brother in that house who so kindly made sure I was okay the next morning, and who drove me home.  Maybe he knew what happened, I don't know.  He never asked.  He just made sure I got home okay and always looked out for me any time I was around at future events.  I wish I could remember his name today.  I am not too proud to admit that I'm horrible with names.  He was one of the genuine good guys and I was grateful for his kindness that morning.

Let's visit with 24 year old Claire now.  You did it!  You are gainfully employed, working in your field as a medical social worker at the leading health care provider in your community. And what's this?  You have this brand new baby boy?  Holy cow!!!  Listen, newborns can be exhausting.  They don't always sleep.  They cry a lot and they can't just tell you what's wrong with them.  I know you rolled your eyes when your mom stopped by yesterday to help out and said "this too shall pass," but she's right.  No - don't roll your eyes at me, too.  It really will pass.  And before you know it, he'll be 20.  Yes, 20!  And you'll be wondering what happened to the past two decades of your life.  Before I go though, I should warn you that some things are going to be tough (again).  You're going to have to go this alone for a bit. You've got this, though.  Your support system is amazing.  Just keep pressing on and have faith.  Here's my advice for the next many years.... Try not to drink too much when T is away with his dad or over at mom's house for the night.  I know it's hard to be alone in that apartment, but going out and partying isn't the answer.  You'll only feel shitty the next day (or two).  And that guy you'll meet at the bar?  He's not the one.  Secondly, shopping with money you don't have not only doesn't solve that problem, but only adds to the debt load you started creating 5 years ago at school, so perhaps slow that habit down a little.  Otherwise you're going to seriously regret these decisions in another 5 years.  It is much more difficult to get out from beneath the mountain of debt than it is to create it!

Now how about if we move on to 34 year old Claire. I look back at myself at this age and all I see is an exhausted and wounded warrior.  I wonder how on earth I made it out to the other side.  I mean it.  That smile you see in the picture faded almost immediately after the camera was put away and the crowds left my post partum room.  Just two short weeks after bringing my princess home from the hospital, I was single parenting again - this time with a 2 week old, a 2 year old, and a 10 year old.  And I was hiding that fact from every single person I knew in the world out of shame.  So what would I say to 34 year old Claire if I could talk to her?  I would tell her to yell and scream for help.  I would tell her that there is no shame in being the one who was left behind.  I would tell her that her village is right there ready to help. I would remind her that she doesn't have to manage post partum depression, newborn stress, a full-time job, the entire household burden, sudden financial doom, and a broken marriage all by herself. 

And then I would remind her of how fucking strong she is.... Claire... look at how far you've come in 10 years! You've grown personally, professionally, and spiritually.  You are closer with your family and your friends than you've ever been.  You've learned to step back and evaluate situations before speaking.  And you found your voice.  Thank GOD you found your voice.  You have integrity that has never waivered.  You have kindness and grace and a kind unconditional love that many are still trying to learn.  You will overcome this.  Power through.  Look at those beautiful babies and know that they will guide you beyond the pain, the hurt, and the devastation.  Know that you are not alone.  It will be okay.  I promise.  Hold on.  Just hold on.

 

You guys, a little more than two years ago, I walked into a restaurant to have dinner with one of my best friends and several of his family members.  Sitting at the end of the table was a friend of theirs.  That is the day my life changed forever, I just didn't know it quite yet.  What started out as a friendship with him developed into the most cherished relationship of my entire life. I am happy to call him my partner in life, my rock, and my #1.  I'm grateful that he accepts me for who I am, accepts my whole story - even with the ugly parts.  We are so ready to continue on this journey with our kids and with whatever God has planned for us. 

So what was the point of this exercise and look back in time with Claire today?  I guess it's this: 

Sometimes looking back, it's easy to see the ugly parts that we may think we want to change.  But when we really take a look, we can see all of the beautiful things we've accomplished as well.  We can see the small wins that remind us that if we took away the ugly - we'd lose out in the long run.  You see, from where I'm sitting it takes all of the parts of our story to create who we are today. 

Are you up to the challenge?  Will you take the time to have some conversations with the younger you? 

One Year ... and Counting

I was listening to Pandora this morning while I was getting ready for work and Memories (Maroon 5) started playing.  I really love these lyrics and the melodies of this tune.  I've got to give a shout out to Adam Levine and the others involved for writing and producing a song that nearly perfectly captures what so many of us feel after losing someone important in their lives.  Whether it be a a parent, sibling, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a cousin, a best friend, or a mentor.  As I reflect on my first year without my mom, I can easily incorporate so much of this song into my experiences.  The release of this tune has been timed, quite therapeutically, at a perfect point in my life; and allows me moments to process every time I listen. 

There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same

I've lost all of my grandparents, several aunts and uncles, a couple of cousins, and even a sibling.  I come from a very close, tight-knit family.  All of those deaths were very hard for me, especially losing my brother 10 years ago. But nothing rocked my world quite like losing my mom last year, on January 26th.  With all I know about life and death, I somehow felt unprepared for that moment -

 in which everything changed for me.  And despite my deep faith in God, Jesus Christ and the afterlife that awaits all who believe, I struggle daily with the absence of my mother here on earth. 

I want to call her to tell her about the silly things Lil C or Owen said yesterday.

I want to stop by and see her smiling and sitting in her seat on the sofa at her house as I walk in.

I want to hear her say, "How is my favorite girl today?" or "I love you to the moon and back."

I want to feel her soft hand in mine again. 

I want to hear her laugh.

Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day

I am reminded, sometimes by my own children, that she's all around me.  I can talk to her any time I want and she will hear me.  I am reminded that I will see my mom again one day.  I am reminded that all of our memories are still there and that I can call on those memories at any time to smile and to laugh. Man, do those feel SO good.  Sometimes the memories bring tears.  So many tears.  I try really hard not to apologize for the tears.  Although, I find myself hiding in those moments, those tears, more often than I probably should.  The crazy part for me is that I am usually the last person to hide what I'm thinking or feeling, but for some reason, my mom dying changed this for me.  It feels as if some of my strength died with my mom.  Some of my fearlessness died with my mom.  Is that something that comes back or can be recovered? These changes are ones that I have been analyzing over and over for the past 365 days. 

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday

Grief is a process.  Death brings on some really real things.  It changes us.  There is no road map.  There are no instructions.  There is no manual on how to weather the changes you'll experience.  Doesn't that seem unfair?  Because it seems unfair to me.  Because you get to live this life with people - sometimes, the amount of life you get to live with them is more brief than what you are given with others.  And maybe that impacts the level and degree of grief we feel - or maybe it doesn't.  There definitely isn't a guide to the degrees of grief based upon how long or how well we knew someone.  It just doesn't exist.  So all we can do is buckle up, hold on, and weather the crazy ride.  And it sucks.  And it's exhausting.  I'm exhausted - and it's only been one year ... and counting. 

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”     –  Helen Keller

Everyone reminds me that while the pain of the loss will never actually go away - rather, it will change and evolve with time.  I have made peace with this reality and I can be okay with this, I think.  I know that I have this enormous support system all around me that I can lean upon any time, day or night.  I know that I can sit in silence and be with my thoughts, and that is also okay.  I know that I can write, or read in order to process the really hard days.  Everything is going to be okay.

Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

But everything gon' be alright

**Memories by Maroon 5. Released by 222 Records and Interscope Records on September 20, 2019