Going Back in Time

While driving home from work recently, I heard the following question posed:

     "If you had the opportunity to sit down and talk with the younger version of you - maybe 18 years old, or 24 years old - what would you say?  Would that younger version of you even listen to what you have to say?" 

My mind began reeling with the possibility of hundreds (or more) of conversations I could have with younger versions of myself....  

• What would I do differently?
• Would I want to change the course of my life in any way?
• What did I do well?
• What words of encouragement do I have for myself?
• How can I prepare myself for what's to come?

This kind of exercise requires a kind of deep, uncensored, real, and highly self-aware state of mind.  In my opinion, the exercise would have less of an impact without those qualifications.  Realistically, we don't have time machines to take us back in time.  And honestly, I don't believe it is about "going back in time" with the intent to change the trajectory of our lives.  I believe it's an exercise in being able to identify our "wins" and recognizing any missteps we may have had along the way.  I think it is about being aware of how far you've come and how you can continue to grow as a person going forward. 

And so I began with 19 year old Claire... the college gal on a mission to change the world.  I decided I needed to start by cheering her on for following her heart and the call to study social work.  I would encourage her to slow down at school, though, because it is all going to fly by so quickly and she is going to want to soak up those experiences before they have passed her by - both in and out of the classroom.  The professors and mentors she meets will become lifelong friends and confidants.  The friendships and bonds she creates on and off campus will help build the village she learns to depend upon for decades to come. I might also mention to her that those 29% credit cards are going to cause her mountains of problems in 10 years - so she needs to JUST SAY NO to the people by the Scramble Light!! 

I would also need to tell her about the dark times just ahead of her.  I would look her in her eyes and tell her that she will get through them, that she is stronger than she thinks, and that she will not be broken by someone else's actions.  What would happen if I could rewrite history?  What would happen if I could make it so 19 year old Claire were never in that fraternity house that night and were never a victim of sexual assault?  Would that have changed the course of her life and the people she met over time?  Would it have meant that she never ultimately met the father of her oldest son?  Would that have ultimately changed everything?  I do not know.  I can never know that.  I certainly do not ever wish such an awful experience on any person, nor do I enjoy closing my eyes and reliving that night.  But it is an important part of my history...my story.  And for that reason, I have to believe that in some sort of twisted way, it has to remain a part of my story. A chapter that few knew existed before now, perhaps, because I chose to hide it in favor of moving forward.  Maybe from embarrassment or shame?  Maybe I blamed myself and felt no one would believe me.  I do know that if I could go back in time, I would absolutely take the time to thank the one brother in that house who so kindly made sure I was okay the next morning, and who drove me home.  Maybe he knew what happened, I don't know.  He never asked.  He just made sure I got home okay and always looked out for me any time I was around at future events.  I wish I could remember his name today.  I am not too proud to admit that I'm horrible with names.  He was one of the genuine good guys and I was grateful for his kindness that morning.

Let's visit with 24 year old Claire now.  You did it!  You are gainfully employed, working in your field as a medical social worker at the leading health care provider in your community. And what's this?  You have this brand new baby boy?  Holy cow!!!  Listen, newborns can be exhausting.  They don't always sleep.  They cry a lot and they can't just tell you what's wrong with them.  I know you rolled your eyes when your mom stopped by yesterday to help out and said "this too shall pass," but she's right.  No - don't roll your eyes at me, too.  It really will pass.  And before you know it, he'll be 20.  Yes, 20!  And you'll be wondering what happened to the past two decades of your life.  Before I go though, I should warn you that some things are going to be tough (again).  You're going to have to go this alone for a bit. You've got this, though.  Your support system is amazing.  Just keep pressing on and have faith.  Here's my advice for the next many years.... Try not to drink too much when T is away with his dad or over at mom's house for the night.  I know it's hard to be alone in that apartment, but going out and partying isn't the answer.  You'll only feel shitty the next day (or two).  And that guy you'll meet at the bar?  He's not the one.  Secondly, shopping with money you don't have not only doesn't solve that problem, but only adds to the debt load you started creating 5 years ago at school, so perhaps slow that habit down a little.  Otherwise you're going to seriously regret these decisions in another 5 years.  It is much more difficult to get out from beneath the mountain of debt than it is to create it!

Now how about if we move on to 34 year old Claire. I look back at myself at this age and all I see is an exhausted and wounded warrior.  I wonder how on earth I made it out to the other side.  I mean it.  That smile you see in the picture faded almost immediately after the camera was put away and the crowds left my post partum room.  Just two short weeks after bringing my princess home from the hospital, I was single parenting again - this time with a 2 week old, a 2 year old, and a 10 year old.  And I was hiding that fact from every single person I knew in the world out of shame.  So what would I say to 34 year old Claire if I could talk to her?  I would tell her to yell and scream for help.  I would tell her that there is no shame in being the one who was left behind.  I would tell her that her village is right there ready to help. I would remind her that she doesn't have to manage post partum depression, newborn stress, a full-time job, the entire household burden, sudden financial doom, and a broken marriage all by herself. 

And then I would remind her of how fucking strong she is.... Claire... look at how far you've come in 10 years! You've grown personally, professionally, and spiritually.  You are closer with your family and your friends than you've ever been.  You've learned to step back and evaluate situations before speaking.  And you found your voice.  Thank GOD you found your voice.  You have integrity that has never waivered.  You have kindness and grace and a kind unconditional love that many are still trying to learn.  You will overcome this.  Power through.  Look at those beautiful babies and know that they will guide you beyond the pain, the hurt, and the devastation.  Know that you are not alone.  It will be okay.  I promise.  Hold on.  Just hold on.

 

You guys, a little more than two years ago, I walked into a restaurant to have dinner with one of my best friends and several of his family members.  Sitting at the end of the table was a friend of theirs.  That is the day my life changed forever, I just didn't know it quite yet.  What started out as a friendship with him developed into the most cherished relationship of my entire life. I am happy to call him my partner in life, my rock, and my #1.  I'm grateful that he accepts me for who I am, accepts my whole story - even with the ugly parts.  We are so ready to continue on this journey with our kids and with whatever God has planned for us. 

So what was the point of this exercise and look back in time with Claire today?  I guess it's this: 

Sometimes looking back, it's easy to see the ugly parts that we may think we want to change.  But when we really take a look, we can see all of the beautiful things we've accomplished as well.  We can see the small wins that remind us that if we took away the ugly - we'd lose out in the long run.  You see, from where I'm sitting it takes all of the parts of our story to create who we are today. 

Are you up to the challenge?  Will you take the time to have some conversations with the younger you?